Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
