i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
