I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
