it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
