Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
