I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
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