I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
