Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
