I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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