remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
