Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
