my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
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