I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
