The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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