I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
