someone get that fucking seahorse.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize