do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
