I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm passing your future prison.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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