I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
