who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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