just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I checked into jail on foursquare
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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