DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
