Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
