Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
