i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
