You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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