You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
