I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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