I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
