nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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