You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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