'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
this beer tastes like vomit already
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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