my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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