I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
