i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
