im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
