I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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