I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
