What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
