Four minutes until I can fart!
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize