Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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