It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
