Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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