the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
