There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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