Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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