ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
