I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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