Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
