Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
