as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
