i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
