my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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