I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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