If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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