Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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