I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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