No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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