either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
